Sitting and Listening

I just mentioned in my previous post how weary I’ve been these last few months. Every life has these times of increased need and output. It’s normal.

Yet my response to this season has been un-typical. I’ve been completely drained, with nothing in the energy bank. It’s why I’ve been complaining so much, I think. I’ve depleted all my inner resolve, and have only the well-wishing of others to keep me nurtured. This isn’t good.

More than an atypical lack of sleep, or a super-charged schedule and superfluous amount of work, this season for me has another significant factor in this total life drain. Spiritually, I’ve not been full in months. I’ve been going to church, leading a weekly fellowship night, and doing morning quiet times, but each has been perfunctory. I’ve been living by the letter of the law that dictates that such things are done—not by the letter of Grace that allows me to see the One behind all these beautiful expressions of our relationship.

My quiet times have become listed items on a long tally of to-dos; consequently, the quality of my intimacy with God has become a moment of checking in before running off. There has been no dialog, no exchange, no time of value. Other things have been more important that my God, and as such, things have felt out of place. It’s not a punishment (in case you think that’s what I’m saying). It’s more a symptom of a life out of order—when things aren’t running as they should, one should expect inefficiency trending toward ultimate breakdown.

While the secular world will always see Christians as those who need a life-crutch—hence their dependence and need for a Savior—my experience has been that the One who created life is the best Teacher at how to live it. Taking a doctors’ advice doesn’t make one weak; it makes them more wise for seeking the experience of learning.

I am reminded tonight of a few important things that God has shown me over the years, that until recently I have not been very mindful of:

1. I need to get/keep my eyes off myself and put them back on Him. I can ask for His help in this; it needn’t be a task or chore to perform.
2. I need to be thankful for all that I have; thankfulness puts my mind in a less selfish stance, and reminds me of God’s great blessings in my life.
3. I need to stop increasing activity to overcome the heap of things that need changing and rest in the knowledge and truth that God will fight my battles if I will listen and obey—and that many of the battles I’ve been fighting have been skirmishes against the wrong enemy. I’m slinging my sword at everything that moves, and probably hitting friends in the mayhem.
4. I need to slow down and learn to listen again.

It is a funny thing, but I have found that in my life periods of great inactivity are more a product of my lack of rest than they are a lack of effort. They are indicaitons that I need to work more at sitting beside my Savior, to rest and to listen—and to accept what He has for me.

Complaining

There is more depth in this topic than I will plumb tonight, but rather than save posting until the novel of my comprehensiveness is complete, I feel in need of renewing this journaling of mine. I have been too busy these last 4-5 months—working my daily 8-9 hours, then coming home to work another few on freelance projects that allow me the creativity I crave. It is not a good system.

Consequently, I have noticed myself increasing in my complaints and “honesty” to others about the things I’m frustrated with and pained by in life. While my friends always have this access into my life, and should expect honesty from me, my normal reticence in bemoaning all that ails me has be worn away these last months. And I have been complaining…often. Which I hate in myself. The realization of this reveals a few things to me:

1. I’m spending more time looking at what I lack, than at all that I have
2. I’m not spending enough time being thankful for all that I have
3. The pain or frustration I feel has become a talking point with others—I want the sympathy of others to confirm the validity of what I feel
4. I’m whining in my armchair, instead of acting with purpose toward a solution

It is this last point that most bothers me most. The sharing of words has substituted for action on my part. This, I feel, is not good.

If something is wrong, I need to fix it.

Raising Our Eyes

Nobody dreams of flying anymore.

I had a convo with a friend some weeks ago, where he mentioned some personal disappointment at not getting a raise (and a  manager position that had recently become available), never realizing these were simple, single-level steps above his current situation, and that there was a whole sky above him. There are entire other jobs, whole other countries, completely other income brackets that he never mentioned as his dream. What he obsessed about was that one, single step from where he currently lives.

What’s the reason for this? Is it simple proximity that makes our dreams so meager—we see the reach of our own arms and expect nothing more? Are we content with seeking higher branches on small trees, instead of seeing the blue sky above? I’ve been feeling this especially of late. I’ve not pursued a Greater. I want more, but haven’t defined what a potential More could ever be. I’m reacting to my current life, not shaping it (or even trying) in any fashion. I’m mesmerized by the status quo, eyes at the floorboards beneath my heavy feet.

How do we grow past our mental blocks to enfold the feathers we don’t know we have? Can it be a book, a conversation, an experience? Can that be manufactured, or must it be divinely Purposed? What is our role in the process?

On one level, maybe it’s helpful to write down the levels so you can see what lies ahead. Make your dreams concrete. As they recommend in writing classes, don’t think or analyze them as you’re writing—get them on paper first. Commit them to reality and the page. Editing can follow, but only after creation.

How full is your page yet (I’ll begin mine tomorrow)?

Discussions of Morality

Sorry, this video has some suggestive content—but I’m still posting it as it really impacted me in regards to authenticity in  the discussion of morality.

Why is it that this kind of transparent honesty is so revered and accepted in a secular environment, and that the Church’s words in this discussion are so ignored (or even worse, absent). The videos I see coming from my friends in ministries are aimed at getting people interested, in proving how relevant and dynamic they are, rather than proving their relevance by voicing Belief in a setting where there is a need for it.

I’m not suggesting making a video with girls in their underwear, murder, drugs, stealing is the answer—I’m saying we’re spending time and money to say we’re worth listening to and never, then, saying anything more. This disturbs me. Greatly.

While Waiting

Written to another friend today (I hope it encourages you):

Isaiah 30:18
Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him! 19 O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. 20 Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. 21 Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”

Keep pushing into God in this time. Try with all your might to allay pursuing Him just for an answer to your issues, or for direction, or for anything that meets your immediate needs—and fight to pursue Him just for Him. Try to let go of the need to make an immediate choice or believe there is only one “right” path for you to tread, for any path you walk down with Him on your side is the right path—and you can rest in the assurance that He guides your every step, whether you are aware or not. [Proverbs 16:9 - In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.]

I know it’s hard to do, but work to see this in-between time as His gift to you, instead of a trial. Use it to a) rest (for all that lies ahead) and b) seek Him [Matthew 6:33 - But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.]. I had a time after leaving Hume that I fought to find a job and truly (now) feel that I wasted my time fretting and filling every moment/day with worry for my future, when I could have been laying tracks of faith on a journey God has already provisioned.

He has promised to guide you, provide for you, love you, care for you. I know it is hard to wait and not feel like you have direction, but hang in there. I’ll be praying. And most importantly, never forget how very very much He truly loves you. That in itself speaks loads of comfort.

Dialog: Resisting Perfection

“I love summer nights like these,” she said. “I think I always dreamed about having a reception outside, under a tent…light from candles and lanterns casting a warm glow into the blue night. What did you dream of for your wedding?”

“I never allowed myself to think about it. Never tried to cast expectations on the future, like it was a fish to be caught.” The sentences each felt like separate betrayals.

“How did you get by? What keeps you going forward, like that?”

“I don’t know…” His voice was just a faint trail of sound, like car tires on wet pavement coming from no general direction. “I just faced into the darkest shadow and trusted that my eyes would adjust to the night. I never looked up, fearing the sun might blind me…”

She waited for the rest, for a finish that wasn’t despondent—for him to round a corner in perspective and come back to her. After seconds  the silence became worse than the waiting. She interjected. “That…is…so terribly pitiable. Horrible, really. It doesn’t make sense—well, except for the metaphor. But that doesn’t explain you. You’re not really like that…are you? I don’t see that in you.”

His response was slow, methodical; he would describe it as calculating (she would say robotic). He knew the import of his answer but felt tied to the truth, in not trying to phrase it just so, but knew the blade he walked cut others too quickly. “Everyone casts a shadow…this is mine. Some fear the dark, the hopelessness of lost dreams and futures. I’ve simply found a way to live without thinking too far into the distance. I keep my trust and my hopes close, so I can watch them. Closely. I do have them, but I never release them; I live in what I can see. I choose Now…just as I choose You. I’m not thinking about where we’ll be in 30 years. I’m soaking up this moment. In being with you right here. Our plans for tomorrow guide me a bit, and in going to the lake this weekend—that’s enough for me at this time.”

“But what about those things you said…about shadows and facing into the dark? Did you mean those?”

“Of course.”

Said flatly, this was the end of the conversation from him. Her concern was aroused, however, and could never let a moment without tenderness exist between them without wanting to somehow smooth and soften it, end it with a kiss—not in weakness, but in preference. This was her daydream, but his words felt like the shutting of a door in a darkened room, when left alone. Her daydream had no such rooms, no empty houses in the dark.

The first shard of glass broke from her pristine image of him. It was the moment the thought irreconcilable first entered her thinking, but she pushed the word away, undaunted. She would not be tempted by ease, by perfection in that way. A man without flaw didn’t exist. If this was his flaw, this comfort in darkness as he called it, then she would accept it. Of course, she fully intended to see it changed in time. But still, she would embrace it within him until that time came.

___
Photo by Judit Nyíri

More than a premonition…

I typed these words in July 2004. God was stirring in me, even then, for the move He would make in me in 2007. I didn’t ever send this lettter, as I thought it would end my time at Hume.

——–

I have no desire and no intentions to leave Hume (for me, Hume is a safe, comfortable place and has become Home) – perhaps this is why I feel God moving me in a new direction. Have I become too lazy here, claiming the whole time that I’m doing God some good by working in His ministry? If I am to follow Christ, shouldn’t I expect the same things he experienced (foxes have holes…)

For some time now God has been whispering in my ear “there is more”. Please know that the vagueness of this scares me to the very core, but I have committed myself to his call by already answering, “Here am I; send me.”

I still have no intentions to leave — for I have nowhere to go — but I feel it’s important to make known to you what God is speaking into my heart. I can do nothing but follow His lead. Please also know I have so much care for you – but no concern. God will provide as He always has and does. If he does send me away know that you’ll be in my prayers. Pray for me, too.

Pray even now that God would reveal His will and direction and that, perhaps, the fulfillment of His plan might allow me to stay.

Trust Me in All Your Thoughts – Jesus Calling

I know that some of your thoughts are unconscious or semi-conscious, and I do not hold you responsible for those. But you can direct conscious thoughts much more than you may realize. Practice thinking in certain ways—trusting Me, thanking Me—and those thoughts become more natural. Reject negative or sinful thoughts as soon as you become aware of them. Don’t try to hide them from Me; confess them and leave them with Me. Go on your way lightheartedly. This method of controlling your thoughts will keep your mind in My Presence and your feet on the path of peace.

July 7, from Jesus Calling.

Sinuous Sometimes

…even friends never see the sly
sinuous of my sometimes smile
is the hardened curve
of an anvil’s edge—
upturned horn of beaten metal.

Jesus Calling, June 2

Relax in My healing, holy Presence. Be still, while I transform your heart and mind. Let go of cares and worries, so that you can receive My Peace. Cease striving, and know that I am God.

Do not be like the Pharisees who multiplied regulations, creating their own form of “godliness.” They got so wrapped up in their own rules that they lost sight of Me. Even today, man-made rules about how to live the Christian life enslave many people. Their focus is on their performance, rather than on me.

It is through knowing Me intimately that you become like Me. This requires spending time alone with Me. Let go, relax, be still, and know that I am God.