Driving Down 180
When I left Hume Lake one word defined me wholly: raw. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually I was spent, empty and devoid—where once I had been so full and fulfilled—and leaving Hume felt like a great tearing off of a scab on the skin of my whole person. I felt like one great and gaping wound to the world. Open, exposed and raw.
Many have since come alongside me eager to hear, yet again, the story of how ministries allow and cause burnout in such severe manners. I am quick to tell them that while Hume could certainly have done more to help guide and protect me, that I was most responsible—having been given a brain and ability to make decisions about the life I lead—for a lack in life-balance. I chose work—over rest, over play, over adventure, over deeper devotion, and over a continued future at Hume.
While I felt no bitterness against Hume (realizing that I was the cause of my own burnout), there was much disappointment…especially as distance from Hume Lake let me see the beauty and blessings I had grown cold to in my last years there. I also saw, with perspective, the many decision-points that, had I chosen a different path, may have ended with a different result. The disparity between my current life—as I lived in Bakersfield—and the one of continued service at Hume Lake created yet another tension within me that left me feeling raw.
Most of you might see, as the ultimate outcome of this experience, how God is turning something “bad” into something “good” by drawing me through this desert, yet I would probably agree with a minority of you that His drawing me included my mistakes and that His grace is not a retro-fitting to my decisions, but includes them. There can be much debate about this, certainly, and I am eager to see in the end only Him loom larger in my view and allow myself to diminish.
I chose work even over God in many circumstances, and the result has been Him calling me to a place where I have only Him. Literally and spiritually, he called me to a desert—in much the same way He called the Israelites from Egypt into the desert to teach and test them—and living in Bakersfield has served that same purpose in my life. Months now of walking in His daily provision (work when I need money, rest when I cannot imagine working again, and adventure when I feel razed) are teaching me lessons about His faithfulness and ability even when I am un-thoughtful toward Him and devoid.
The thought that my daily work for Hume Lake was also my daily ministry, or my investment in the eternal, was such a great blessing to me when I first signed on. It felt like a doubled productivity—two goals through one act (I could serve God and earn my wages simultaneously). It was a daily joy to see God working in lives through the extended effort of my hands—and partnering with God has always been the joy of my heart: to be in and near places where He is working in people’s lives.
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