Ennui-Away…the cure-all from the pain of life.

[excerpted from an email written today]
Yes, you’re an over-thinker, creating the “paralysis of analysis” we’ve spoken of before. It’s not a judgment; I have it too. The thing is, all the thought you, I, we put into things+life never pays off. It never controls the situation in the way we envision it will. I think it’s mostly a defensive mechanism–stemming from a desire to control life around us so it doesn’t hurt us. Understanding —–> control ——> eliminate surprise, pain, awkwardness, etc.

But, for our own good, God doesn’t allow that. He did, for me, for a number of years, but now that’s gone. Life rubs me raw now, but I’ve found (in that) a new need for Him that I didn’t have before. And it’s good to need God because He is more than a crutch for our paltry lives. He is the Source. Power tools work better when plugged in.

So, the issue today (and always) is: where do I go when I have great need, great pain, great frustration, great nothingness/depression, great ennui? My tendency is to complain and garner sympathy for my plight from others–or alternately to stuff it all down inside. Neither works to eliminate the situation. Calling our lives a mess is a choice to see half the equation–granted its the half most present to us in what we see and experience, but it’s still only half. The other half is the God-half, the hope-half, the trust blindly in the One who shapes us and our lives knowing (against the apparent truth) that He is working a better thing from our life than we see presently. Does it mean that life doesn’t “suck” as you put it? No. And yes. Your idea of life being an ongoing (and lame) cycle of work, eat, live, to work, eat, live, to work…is accurate, but again only summarizes half the story.

So, what do we DO when life sucks? For my life, action has always followed attention. I have to put my eyes back on God, not the situation or me, or others who I compare my life with. It’s the Peter walking on the water story of where our eyes are…all over again. After my eyes are back on Christ, and I’m seeing hope in the picture again then it’s time to talk about passion.

This move to Santa Cruz with my new job has wakened me to my lack of life-passion. I lost that at Hume getting too bogged down with work, stress, and my own version of the cycle above. I’m realizing (only now) I have to protect and pursue my passions…every day and in every moment (if that’s possible). They certainly won’t be handed to me…which I think at times I hoped in some small way was a possibility. People, friends, family encouraged me to pursue these in my life and work but I wasn’t in a place to hear them. I think I needed this experience (not that it’s over) to really solidify the value of passion in my life.

I still don’t know what to DO about it. I’m not a whimsical, liver-of-life like some I admire. I’m a planner. I’m methodical. I’m one who “plans” to be spontaneous. My first step has been to ask God to show me how to live this life He’s given me better–to open my eyes to opportunities and help me shake the routine I’ve lived for so long. So far, all it’s merited me is stuff I don’t want, but it’s change and for I see that as movement in the right direction.

The other thing that gives me much comfort is knowing that, as the verses say, “In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps” (Pr 16:9; Pr 19:21). I find security in seeing this through faith and knowing that I can plan what and where I want to go, but still trust that God’s ultimate purpose for me is accomplished. That He is bigger than my plans; that He gets what He wants from my life. I want that more than I want my own way.

So if the sucky-ness of life is overwhelming, take comfort from any number of options. We still haven’t even talked about the book Prison to Praise, which I read recently which talks about praising God in the worst of times–because we’re called to–and what happens in spiritual places when we actually do that [not just saying "thanks" but saying "PRAISE you God that this sucky thing is happening!"]. Also, as a contradictory prescription for the doldrums, enjoy them. Depression is a feeling, too–embrace it! Eat ice cream and watch movies that make you cry; install a fondue fountain of chocolate in the living room; hang out in dark movie theatres and chain-smoke. But whatever you do, be passionate about it. And remember, that this too will pass.

~ by joshuacreative on October 24, 2007.